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| Chop at the
Ohio Open |
| by
Curt
"Lumpy" Byers, Faithful
Caddie and former lover |
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| CANTON,
OHIO
James, Jamie, Little Jimmy
Thompson and me, Curtis, the
Curt, Lumpy Byers decided to
venture onto my home turf for a
shot at the 2000 Ohio Open
Title. The Chopper would do the
golfing, while I would do the
only thing I'm capable of on the
links, that being carrying the bag. Me and the Chop
arrive at the course and proceed on down to |
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the range so the Pro
can shag a few nuggets. Chopper
loosened up, slashing a few
while I looked over the
competition. "These
guys are STUDS!", I blurted.
Without looking up from his chopping,
the Thompson replied, "These
Jabronis are NOTHING, I AM the BEST, I
am a GOD!"
"Besides", he continued,
"I play at Bushwood!" Anyway,
so the CHOP and I make are way to the
first tee. Chopper pulls out a
Titleist that has definitely seen better
days and puts it on the peg.
"Where'd you get that gem, steal it
from the range?" I asked.
"This baby will do, I don't need a
round one to dust these candy-asses!", CHOP countered. With that
he takes a slash befitting the Kingbag,
and we are off. Suffice it to say that
the Chopper beat it around all day,
spending almost all of his time in the
hay. (EDITORS
NOTE: Both CHOP and Lumpy have
just recently recovered from Lyme
disease, apparently contracted by their
prolonged exposure to high grass and a
multitude of tick bites, many of them,
strangely enough, on their genitals) On
it went when at hole 16, the skies
opened, and all hell broke loose.
Being the good caddie that I am, I start
digging in the CHOP's bag for rain gear.
All I can come up with is a couple of
pair of pantyhose, a darling blue dress,
and a pair of blue suede pumps
with 6" stiletto heels! No
rainsuit, no umbrella, no extra towel,
not even a decent golf ball! This
guy is a PGA Professional?
Thanks
to my great leadership, Chopper
fired a 69 that first day.
Instead of doing any post round
practicing (it was still
raining) we retired to the
nearest bar and discussed my
many mental and sexual problems
for the next 8 hours.
The
weather the next day was perfect and
CHOP was primed to make a run at the
title, being only 6 shots back in 30th
place. He lashes his first ball
left of left, with a failed hosel cut
move. We find ourselves in a
forest of pines and make a quick bogey.
Now we're off and running. It was
obvious that CHOP's game plan was to hit
it so far off line that he avoided much
trouble. The boy was stroking the flat
stick like it still had the headcover
on! It was hole 14 when the crying
began, The Chopster giving his best
imitation of Chicken
Legs. "It's just not FAIR
!", he whined, "I can't
compete with these guys, they play every
day, and I have to work (EDITORS
NOTE: This is definitely open to
dispute) and . . . boo hoo,
whaaaaaaaaaaa !" "Stop
being such a bitch !", I replied,
"Suck it up and give a good old
Monty swing, and let's make some birdies!" Well, CHOP again made bogey
and finished with 73, missing the cut by
one. After it was over CHOP told
me, "Next year I'll caddie and you
can skank it around." "I
may not be able to win the Ohio Open but
I'll damned well take the
Bag Open in November."
"I won't get screwed like I did
last year, those bags won't catch me
cheating this time around !"
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ABOUT
THE AUTHOR |
| Lumpy is the
current Pro at Bushwood CC, and has
followed Chop Thompson around everywhere he's gone since their days
together at Malone. He, like Chop, cannot hit a golf ball, and also
exhibits blatant homosexual tendencies. |
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