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Our skin turned pale and our
eyes turned gray as we approached the starter Friday morning. We heard the
starter ask, “Handcock? How many Handcocks have we got?” We already knew the
answer – two dreadful foursomes from hell. Their prowess, already legendary,
needs to be recounted. For the record, these were the same Handcocks which had
been previously known to take six hours to complete a round of golf. They have
been known to hold up a six-some, and force golfers to skip holes and/or walk
off a golf course due to darkness. “Oh God, we exclaimed in unison. “They
couldn’t have put us behind the tiny Canadian Waifs again!” Just then, the
starter made our day. “Handcocks, you start on hole ten. Lairds, you start on
hole one.” Praise the Lord! We nearly caught the Handcocks that day despite
their nine-hole head-start.
After our round, we made our
way to the clubhouse to confirm the remainder of our tee-times and make sure we
were not scheduled to follow the walking undead. We were lucky this year and I
suspect, based on an exchange we witnessed in the clubhouse, we will not be
subjected to the zombies any time soon. I can only describe the exchange in
dramatic format.
The players include:
The Handcocks – Led by 5’0”
Cannuck, Herbie Handcock
The Lairds – Spokesman Andy
Bratt
The Staff – Assistant
Pro/Bouncer, Terry Z.
Handcock – "We’re ready to
check in for our afternoon T-time."
Terry Z – "You missed your
T-time by 40 minutes!"
Handcock – "But, we just got
done with our morning round. You can still get us on, right?"
Terry Z – "Well, let me tell
you how we do things down here. We make tee-times expecting groups to play in
about four hours. Since you’re way behind schedule, you’ll have to tee off
behind the group of 40 that I just sent to the tee."
Handcock – "How could you
send off a group of 40 ahead of us?"
Terry Z – "Well, they have
already played their morning round and all 40 finished ahead of your two
groups. You fellas are screwed."
Andy Bratt – "You suppose we
can sneak in and pay? We’ve already finished our round, enjoyed a casual lunch,
made some phone calls and closed a few deals, and we’re ready to go."
Terry Z – "Sure Laird group,
you’re ready to go."
Handcocks – "Excuse me, we’re
feeling like we got screwed here. What are our options?"
Terry Z – "The door is over
there."
Handcocks – "We need to see
about squaring up."
Terry Z – "Huh?"
Handcocks – "We were unable
to finish our round yesterday, so we want half our money back for that. We also
want to be reimbursed for the round that we have yet to start today."
Lairds and Terry Z – "Ha, Ha,
Ha!"
Terry Z – "I showed you where
the door is…are you saying you’d like an ass-beating prior to getting thrown out
of here?"
Handcocks the storm out of
the clubhouse in disgust. Herbie Handcock leaves child-sized golf glove on the
counter, which is picked up by Laird group as “Exhibit A, a genuine Handcock
artifact.”
Laird group to Handcocks in
parking lot – "Anybody lose a glove? Ha Ha Ha!"
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